So as this is my first blog ever I guess I need to talk about myself a little.
To start with I would like to state that I'm going to be using this more as a diary/life story kind of thing in a therapy type way in the hope it will alleviate some of the ever present irrational anxiety that I have been suffering with for a good many years. It would also be fabulous to hear from other people who also are afflicted in this way.
Anyway, I digress:  I am a 40 year old Mother of three, two daughters of 20 and 18, and a son of 8. We did plan on having a fourth originally, but after having a boy.. no chance. Put it this way, if he'd been born first he would be an only child!
I have pretty much practiced attachment parenting with all of them co-sleeping and [so called] extended breast feeding etc
We live in rural village, in an average house, with my husband, 2 dogs and we keep chickens. I love reading and genealogy.
I work at a primary school, have been there years and years and totally love it, would not change my job for triple the salary.

 All normal so far, hey? just an average middle aged lady, ticking along nicely. Well, yep, that would be the case if it wasn't for this terrible, irrational anxiety that is blighting my life.
Yesterday was a bad day, I crept round the house still in my pyjamas, jumping out of my skin at the slightest noise, angry at myself for my stupidity, heart racing, hands trembling and for what reason? ....You tell me, I have no idea.
 Sometimes I can pin point triggers, my worst at the moment is caused by misophonia or noise anxiety if you'd prefer. I think I've always had misophonia but it has certainly got a lot worse in the last few years. It used to be mainly the sound of people chewing with their moths open etc that would send me into a rage, but I could suppress it, now it puts me into flight or fight mode straight away. I usually choose flight as I'm a nice person really! Certain types of music can also make me want to kill, I have had to run out of  shops before now because of the type of music [usually rap and techno] before I punch unsuspecting shoppers in the face. Crazy, I'm actually such a mild mannered, non-confrontational person.
The one thing that is causing me to suffer is the next door neighbours; they are not bad types, but not my type either, however we get on tolerably well now, but there were issues when they first moved in. Sometimes the 15 year old girl [who, incidentally is bright orange for some reason?] is left on her own over night, and has lots of friends round, getting drunk and smoking illegal substances. This does not happen often, but I live in the most terrible state of panic anticipating it happening the next. Weekends are the worst, hence the state I was in yesterday. Even hearing them talking or laughing through the walls can send my heart rate soaring. Yet with the neighbours the other side  it doesn't bother me.
Then I have the constant anxiety over my children, poor things, I heard sirens yesterday whilst my daughter was out with her boyfriend, and of course I had to phone her straight away to check she wasn't dead!
Ok, enough for the first blog, I really hope people will be able to relate as I feel I'm going crazy most of the time. I don't think it is something you can understand unless you too have suffered.